Evil Rant #22- Villain Speak
Even now, pro evil messages are very rare. Mainstream media and society in general, bombards us with “new goodness” style philosophy and ideas. Of course, there are a few media outlets where you may find some villainesque encouragement (such as Twisted Jenius, for example), and I expect that this trend will continue. Although, I’m sure that all villains out there are doing what they can, resources are still rather limited for diabolically inspirational material. So, here’s a trick that I’ve picked up over the years to help me to cope with the seemingly endless plague of “good guy” messages. Look to fiction for inspiration. Often, villains in fiction are free to say things which many “real” people would have trouble getting away with. Movies, shows, literature and comic books are full of sinister characters, with some great lines and enjoyable comments.
I often see, or read about, a character saying something and think to myself “oh yeah, that’s true, I completely get that”. Have you ever read a book, where a phrase or piece of dialogue causes an extreme sense of joy and excitement in you? Have you ever seen a movie in which a character’s comment makes you feel suddenly energized; like you want to jump out of your seat and exclaim “that’s right, I love it!” Don’t deny that feeling, especially on the basis that you’re not supposed to sympathize with the bad guy (ever notice how you’re not “supposed to do” a lot of things?). The fact that it rings true for you, should tell you a lot about yourself right there. Another thing to consider is the deeper, philosophical implications of villain dialogue. Despite what you may think, the things that villain characters say, can often offer deeper psychological and philosophical insight for those who are looking for it, or are already in that mindset.
It’s always funny to me when people see an “evil” character on screen, and decide that it’s unrealistic because “nobody could ever be that evil or think like that”. You wan’na bet? One big problem I consistently have with people is that they so often confuse the concept of “most people”, with “everyone”. It’s quite likely that there basing their ideas solely on others whom they’ve actually encountered, and let’s face it; the vast majority of people have only mediocrity occupying their social circle.
Speaking of evil linguistics, I’ve created a glossary of commonly used villain words and phrases; just for the fun of it. These are designed to help further your (and my), descent into the villainesque mindset; and because I just don’t feel like even attempting to be serious right now (come on, not all of my rants have to be about abstract philosophy or human self delusion, right?). If I don’t occasionally goof off, I just may end up becoming a little too pretentious, even by evil mastermind standards (and, as you can imagine, that’s pretty damn conceited!).
Fun list of villainesque words and phrases:Arachnobot-
any robot which is designed to resemble a spider or possibly a scorpion; a robot which is actually made out of spiders could also fit into this category.Arching-
the process of actively pursuing a nemesis or enemy. Specifically targeting an enemy for a series of attacks or fiendish plots.Black Arts-
the distinctly immoral form or branch of magic or craft. Destructive, sadistic or blatantly evil sorcery or magical workings; such as throwing curses, raising the dead or summoning demonic entities and unspeakable gods.Carnage-
another term for killing, bloodshed, massacring, slaughtering or butchery. We can never have enough descriptive words for these kinds of activities.Chamber-
a large, foreboding and often uninviting room within your lair, which you choose to refer to as a “chamber”.Clutches-
a term relating to having control over or ownership of, something. A descriptive metaphor for having power and control (something is within your clutches, or to clutch something etc.).Contemptible Masses-
the average Joe, the ignorant public, wretched parasites that have the nerve to continue to exist. The common man or citizenry; you probably know them as either that minor, but constant irritation which you must contend with; or as prey items, to manipulate and crush like the insects they are.Cosmic Terror-
something so destructively, horrifically frightening, that we as mere humans cannot fathom it. Something which is terrifying on a cosmic scale and often suggests humanity’s insignificance.Cronies-
another term for henchmen, best used in a professional, business or corporate setting.Curses-
a plural version of the word “curse” meaning hex or magical destructive agent. This is also a very villainesque term for expressing anger or dissatisfaction about a turn of events.Dastardly Scheme-
a planned course of action which is of a morally reprehensible in nature.Death Ray-
a category of weapons, which may very in size, and fires some sort of beam causing death. A flat fish with large wing like fins related to the shark, which is responsible for killing people.Diabolical Plot-
a scheme or plan, which is so fiendish that it must be assumed that it was demonically inspired. A plan that is so immoral, manipulative or corrupt, that the devil himself couldn’t have done it any better.Dimensional Vortex-
a wormhole type phenomenon; a tear in the fabric of reality, which may resemble a swirling “black hole” in appearance; an anomalous gateway through dimensions.Doomsday Machine-
any device or machine that could annihilate, lay waste to, destroy or otherwise dispose of a large part of the earth or any other planet that you might be inhabiting. A Universe destroying device would also fits into this category.Dungeon-
a bleak, foreboding, subterranean arena of a building, where prisoners are kept and interrogations are performed. A long-term lodging solution for your “special“ guests. You can also perform executions here if you desire (just make sure to install a drain in the floor, for easy cleaning up).Forces of Darkness-
a broad, all encompassing term to describe evil as a whole. These are the elements of the universe which are working with you. You, all of your friends, and everyone (or thing) who would sympathize with you and your general philosophy and work.Global Domination-
to take over the world, using military, economic, or any number of other means. A common, but worthwhile goal in villainy.Henching-
the act of being a henchmen, or engaging in henchmen like activities.Henchmen-
those mindless pawns that do your bidding. The ones who all look the same and you kill whenever you become too angry. No, not normal citizens, but the ones you hang out with in your lair. Yah, those guys are henchmen. Impalement-
a particularly painful and horrific form of the execution, involving the running of a large stake, spear or rod through the torso of a victim (and popularized by an infamous Romanian prince). It makes a powerful statement which is great for psychological warfare, or just creating really sick decorative lawn ornamentation.Lair-
a place where a villain resides or conducts business; a villain’s home, work space, or preferable hang out. That place where you keep all of your stuff.Laughing Maniacally-
a session of sinister or insane laughter; a way of expressing devious joy. This is an excellent example of why villainy is so enjoyable; heroes don’t get to laugh maniacally!Man-Eating Plant-
any carnivorous flora capable of ingesting a human.Mastermind-
a complementary term, referring to an individual in charge, who displays an exceptional level of intelligence. Some one who plans an ingenious scheme, often involving the illicit procurement of funds.Mind Boggling Insanity-
an extreme, high quality form of mental illness, causing thoughts and ideas which others cannot comprehend or fathom.Minions-
a term for henchmen or followers, which has a more demeaning connotation. A term to describe multiple animal or otherwise non-human devotees, servants or followers. This is great word for anyone who knows how to command swarms of things.Moat Monster-
any type of large aquatic or semi aquatic creature, carnivorous, predatory, or otherwise ill tempered; which may be kept in a moat, pit or other body of water in or around a villains’ lair.Nemesis-
an arch foe. Someone whom you dislike immensely. Someone you hate, but haven’t killed yet, for some reason.Past Inequities-
one of many far flung justifications for revenge, as well as, a justification for vengeance based scheming (as if you needed any).Playing God-
the act of taking on tasks and attributes normally reserved for the almighty or nature. Examples include: creating a life, altering a preexisting organism and its biological components, or choosing who lives and who dies. Anything that god is allowed to do and humans are not supposed to do may fit into this category.Right Hand Man-
a henchmen whose name you bother to learn and who gets to dress in a way which is not submissively, psychologically repressive. An especially talented henchmen whom you give more authority to and “trust” with important tasks.Ruthless Tactics-
a strategy or way of doing things and conducting one’s self, which may be seen as cruel, merciless, underhanded or otherwise selfish (AKA logical and affective).Spiderbot-
see ArachnobotSuperior Intellect-
a self congratulatory term used to describe the higher brain power of an evil genius, especially in relation to, or compare to that of others.Trapdoor-
a secret or hidden access way, usually found on the floor, designed either to facilitate an expedient escape, or to cause an enemy to fall into any number of unpleasant situations. Nothing says “super villain” like having one of these right in front of your desk!Undead-
any type of reanimated corpse; often vampire, but zombies or any other “living” cadaver could fit into this category. This term typically has morbid or fearful connotations; and may not apply in the cases of cheerful or friendly walking corpses.Unholy Abomination-
an entity, being, or creation which goes against all laws of nature and god. Something which was never meant to exist in this world.Unspeakable Ritual-
a wicked religious ceremony, often designed to pay homage to, or to summon, demonic entities and other dark, supernatural beings.Vengeance-
one of your prime motivations; a villain’s most selfless motivation, to give an individual or the world in general, what’s coming to it. Retribution or paying back what you owe an individual or other larger parties, based on their treatment of you; or anything else which is a priority of yours. A sadistic form of contribution.Warlord-
a powerful leader, who deals in the currency of combat and destruction.Whether Machine-
a manmade devise capable of controlling the weather in dramatic and often destructive ways.
This glossary is far from complete, but coming up with definitions or descriptions for these words for distinctly villainesque usage, (as opposed to more general usage and definitions) is somewhat time consuming (but fun); so I’ll just leave it at this for now. I have also provided you with a list of the most common types of villain speeches as well as some brief and vaguely informative comments on what they’re about.Unveiling Evil Plot Speech-
a great ego boost, getting to indulge in your own fiendish superiority while spouting a full blown rant. It doesn’t get any better then this.“We’re not so different, you and I” Speech-
as villains, we see similarities between ourselves and other talented individuals, which the heroes simply refuse to. This is do to the fact that we don’t have all of those annoying moral or ethical standards clouding our perception.Reveling Sadistically at a Successful Plot-
normally all too brief in most entertainment, what with the hero rising up at the last moment to claim victory and all. But that’s just mainstream “good guy” bias, and we all know how that sort of situation would really go, don’t we? A real villain’s sadistic reveling could go on for months.“Why don’t you join me?” Speech-
a villain can always use some good help, and an ally is much easier to stab in the back, then an enemy. As Mark Twain once said “the only safe and sure way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend”. Though, I bet a large vat of acid would work pretty well, too.Evil Origin Speech-
this is the one where you unveil how you became so bad. Everybody enjoys the story of someone who started out low and then clawed their way to the top, thus triumphing over adversity (it’s just so inspirational!). And I think it’s safe to say that being continuously pissed off and disgusted by the world, is one of the great foundations of villainy. Don’t be afraid to pat yourself on the back, you’ve made it!
Well, there you have it. Until next time, see all evil, hear all evil, and (especially) speak all evil.