The Snail Factory

Bone Trap

The Snail Factory
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The author relates this anecdote:

"So I'm driving down the 405 and it's like summer right so I got the top down and I'm maybe trippin' on some good shit from Marcello, he always has the best shit, right? You know what I'm sayin' so I'm on the 405 and it just like hits me, right? The Specter of War should get stuck on his way to Hawaii, like in a gizzard nozzle or some shit. I'm like, dude, I am a fucking genius. Few more ideas like this and I will OWN this town.

So I write it up for JP, yeah man I know him you're nobody if you ain't down with JP I also know a little actor named Robert Loggia, right? This town, man! Yeah so I send in the pages and JP gets back to me and he's like, "Yo, B-Dog" (That's what he calls me we're like good friends you know?) "I like the pages but we got one problem, Snails don't have gizzards." and I'm like frozen solid I sent in the best pages I ever wrote and the big man is like, "Snail's don't have gizzards" and shit and I think I'm like soooo fucked man, like I'm freakin' out cuz this is my big story for the SF and it ain't gonna work now. I just hang up the phone. I'm fucking FREEEEEAKING.

But then I'm like calm down man it's not the end it's just a mistake, I can fix this shit. I do a couple lines, sniff em through a hundred (Gotta get pain in STYLE around here) and I get on the typewriter. I gotta bang this shit out. How can I fix this, man what can I do? And then, the fuckin' muse comes back to me. That muse man, she's a slut but she loves ya when you need her bad, man. Bone Trap. Yes. The specter of war is all bones right? Yeeeahhhhh boy, I got this shit. I write up the new pages and I show 'em to JP over dinner, he invites me to dinner all the time man that's just fuckin' Hollywood dude!

So I show him the new pages and he's down with 'em, doesn't mind the old mistake, likes the fix, but then he points out another thing: Snails don't have bones either. Maybe it's the coke or maybe it's the fear, cuz JP is a scary man, man, but I shit myself right then and there. I shit myself and I'm like sobbing in the restaurant and they push me out and I'm like so down. I'm so fucked. I don't even have to quit I know I'm fired. I go home, I get drunk as a cunt and I pass out and man, I hope I never wake up again.

But the next day man- The next day they run the fuckin' episode dude! They thought the bone thing was a joke, not a mistake! I have a fuckin' angel over me dude! So that's the tale man, left out some bits, cuz, you know the kids might read this but hit me up some time, write in, we can meet up and I'll tell you the dirty parts bro. Cuz that's how I hang man, I'm not above meetin' my fans cuz you guys, you guys are what it's all about. The fans dude. Peace Out."

Needless to say we've since had him assassinated.




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