The Snail Factory

Black Tie

The Snail Factory
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And so began the Snail Factory's 13th Quinquennial Funding Gala. Despite the problems seen above, this was not nearly as bad as Breign's first Gala, which took place only a couple months after he took over as C.E.O.

After alienating the Japanese Ambassador and contributing to the Anti-American sentiment, after picking his nasal orifice and wiping the resultant booger on an employee he mistook for a curtain, after telling an exceptionally dirty and sexist joke to the multi-gendered dirt monster of Cappadocia, Breign made what is generally considered the worst faux pas in the history of polite civilization.

It began as so many social mistakes with Breign drinking heavily to calm his nerves (he's 77% nerve tissue) over his first formal function. Lacking alcohol he embarrassed himself first by drinking anti-freeze directly from his father's engine. That alone was enough to send his old man into a reclusive state in a cave for the next decade. But fate had even more sinister plans.

Charles Lindbergh was among the most famous in attendance, along with his wife Anne Morrow. Bruno Hauptmann had been executed only a couple months before the Gala for the kidnapping and murder of their son, Charles Jr. To this date we still don't know the exact nature of the joke that Dr. Breign made directly to Mrs. Lindbergh. Ear witnesses reported hearing the words "long flight" and "better babysitter" but scholarly analyses of the incident suggest the joke began with Dr. Breign asking the lady what constituted the difference between her deceased son and her husband, then interrupting her shock to answer, "Your husband didn't lay still! Get it? Because he was still alive when I fucked him!"

The intensity of the resulting slap created a smack that caused temporary deafness in several employees. Dr. Breign's lower jaw was never found.




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