The Snail Factory

Hell Hath No Salt

The Snail Factory
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In the beginning, there was nothing. Then the Univalve said, "Let there be Gastropod" and there was. And for a time, it was good. But then came temptation in the form of a Eulimid. Said the Eulimid, "Surely you must partake of the sweet carrion and detritus of the sea floor" and so the Prime Mollusc did, and fell in the eyes of the Univalve.

So it was for a thousand centuries that Snails could not enter the kingdom of Snail Heaven (San Diego). Yea, it was not until the Univalve sacrificed his only son, Jesuccineidus to redeem the Phylum that Eternal Snailvation was even possible. But even then, there was no guarantee.

Jesuccineidus taught, before he was salted by the Roman Snails he came to save, that every mollusc must be anointed in holy mucus as a larva then consume his holy, gooey flesh in communion. Not only this, but a Snail must live a righteous life- Which is really hard because Snails and Slugs know little of orthodox theology.

Thus, many are condemned to Snail Hell, or "Snell". This fiery, salty pit was administered first by Lucnailfer, then Beelsnailbub, and finally by the Snailtan family to which Bartolomeo Q. Snaildevil III belongs. Called "Bart" or simply "Satan" by his friends and subordinates, Bartolomeo III is actually one of the kindest of his lineage.

He banned birds and parasites from use in all but the deepest pit (Where lies Judaspera, who betrayed Jesuccineidus for thirty love darts), minimized random salt and battery, turned the U.V. lights off at night and even allowed a few Snouls to escape into Slimbo. For this he was reviled by the old breed, but embraced by younger Snuccubi and respected by most Archangsnails, and even it is said, by the Mucussiah himself.




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