The Snail Factory

But That Doesn't Mean My Eyes Will Soon Be Turnin' Red

The Snail Factory
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The long hard road out of hell is in fact an escalator. The wooden supports to the original stairs having rotted to unsafe levels in the early 1740s, Snaildevil the First mandated a return to the elder ways, a staircase made of the sewn up souls of the damned.

Now this author can't presume to suggest you've ever used a damned stairway, but the damn things are damned unstable. The damned are always writhing and moaning and weeping in agony and that makes finding your footing pretty damn difficult. As the river Styx flowed directly under the damned stairs, the damned souls got flooded and writhed all the more.

Snaildevil II found an ingenious way to keep the river from causing more instability: A Dam. The dam was of course constructed of the damned. The damned dam, constructed by the damned, of the damned, for the damned, dammed up the damn river damn well and the damned stairs held for over 80 darn years. Sadly, the damned dam suffered the same drawbacks as the damned stairs, and thus the damned dam was damned from the start.

It was Snaildevil II's final act as Satan to condemn the damned dam and the damned stairs as unsafe and order the escalator built, thus ending the whole damned era and ushering a new time with 50% less cursing than the former.




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